Confession Sunday

Dear Anxiety,

It’s Sunday and I know I should not be worried about tomorrow but I am a bit. Part of me had a plan of calling or going up there to the job and do what I have to do to get it. The other “parts” of me Ms. Anxiety and Ms. Depression along with Queen Fibro, they have caused me to question everything. Friday day I got muscle spasms after using the bathroom. The muscle spasms lasted the rest of the day and night. I thought going to sleep, it would help relax my body, but that didn’t help at all.

Queen Fibro, she’s whispering in my ear making me question if I can really do this. Along with Ms. Anxiety questioning everything that could go wrong. How will I explain all the years I’ve been out of work. Ms. Depression is telling me to just keep working at doing my writing, crocheting or knitting.

I fear reaching out. I told myself I will wait to see if I get a phone call Monday. Hopeful that since I’ve been a assistant manager before despite being out of work for years, I will get a call for an interview.

I regret not printing out my resume but honestly, I don’t really know how much I want this. I’m so conflicted, I need money, I should have money, I fear failing, I fear being fired, I be leaving another job. I’ve done it so much in my past that what will make it different now. I’m older and in more pain now so it’s even harder to want to do it.

I want a career. I don’t want to get stuck at some job. Unlike most people I know I won’t me able to work a job and still focus on trying to build a career. All my focus will go to just trying to do that one job, which isn’t even worth it. It will put a little something in my pocket and keep people off my back about not working. It would hopefully take my guilt away.

The thing is I feel I’m still not doing it for myself despite wanting some money. Money has never been my driving force to anything.

I’m so messed up. I have to stop thinking about this now before I go into a panic attack.

Have a wonderful restful day.

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Pounding Heart 


In the above picture, is what happens when you have anxiety and high blood pressure. I’m not sure what brought this on, it was after I ate. I’m really not sure. I also suffer from fibromyalgia so it could be a mixture of things. 

       My left arm started to ache and I felt a weakness kind of feeling. It’s still aching. Even though that might have started early this morning. I didn’t get much sleep and the sleep I got wasn’t very restful. I feel exhausted. I’m sure my weight has something to do with how im feeling as well. I have so many issues I can’t keep track. 

      I literally feel like I’m going to die and it’s this crazy cycle of feeling bad, heart races which makes me panic and causes me to think about this is the day I have a heart attack and die. Those thoughts cause me not to be able to calm down my heart rate and I feel like I’m going to die. 

       My heart pumping overtime, working so hard I can’t believe I haven’t had a heart attack. It’s a blessing. 

      Now I feel the depression creeping up on me. I’m feeling sad that I think about dying all the time but I don’t seem to want to die today. I’m becoming sleepy again. Bye