Testing My Faith

I feel I’m testing my faith, well others may think I’m being crazy.

People can argue that I should do this or that. Think I should try what they’re doing even though they aren’t happy themselves but I guess I should jump on that band wagon because it’s the thing to do.

Living life with mental illness and chronic illness makes things so much more difficult for me. I’m torn between wanting to live and wanting to die.

I have never been a fan of going to the doctor (who is?). I know one should be better safe than sorry but most doctors don’t do much. It’s hard to find a “good” doctor and when you do, better make sure you have “good” health insurance or you won’t be seeing them again.

Anyways I have anxiety which causes my heart rate to race and my blood pressure is very high. I have hypertension. The numbers are dangerous high mostly all the time and I have been at a life threatening moment one time. I don’t have a doctor, which means I am not on any prescriptions. Even though I don’t want to take any prescription drugs, when it came to my blood pressure I was willing to take something to help get it down. Now I’ve gone so long without taking anything, that I’m like what’s the point. I’m still here, still kicking it. I want to test my faith.

I am in the process of trying to change my eating habits, getting restful sleep, exercising and hopefully being stress free. (Easier said than done) to be honest I’ve been trying to do these things for the last few years. I can never stick with exercising (I get bored) the sleep part I sleep whenever I can actually fall asleep and hope I don’t get disturbed. Eating habits are difficult when every time family gets together it’s food involved. Watching others eat things and asking if I want some. Feeling guilty because someone cooked and I feel I have to eat. It’s crazy all the excuses I’ve been telling myself. I have given up many times but here I am starting again. This time I really want change. I feel more determined. Food has to get right because then the exercise won’t even matter.

Having anxiety makes me panic and worry all the time about so many things. Even other people cause me to think about even more things. So being less stress is a job in its self.

Having Depression makes me want to give up. Makes me ask questions like why am I needed here? I’m just in the way, I won’t be missed. Etc…

So I’m like if God wants me to be here then he will keep me here. He has so far, I’m 33 years old and my life has always been full of stress. I think I almost made it through my twenties with an ok blood pressure. (I think) I put on extra weight over last few years also was eating more and wrong which made things worse and is causing my body more pain.

Now I’ve been trying to get back to how I was in my early twenties (wishful thinking) I was still “crazy” but at least I weighed less and that helped.

People don’t agree with how I live my life because I don’t want to follow the same paths as others. I want my own path and I want to show that sometimes one has to open their eyes to what really is versus what they’ve been told or shown.

The healthiest person can get sick. Someone taking many prescriptions may never get well. A baby or young child can die. Someone can walk away from a car accident unharmed. Someone who has never smoked a day in their life can get lung cancer. Do you get what I’m saying? These things happen. Why?

I want to die, I’m not trying to harm myself but people don’t like that they feel I’m not trying to “fix” myself. As long as I keep making it to the next day, I will keep going until Life it self takes me out.

People hate hearing the truth and I’m scared sometimes to tell my truth when it comes to my depression because no one can understand. My truth is I am doing the very best I can despite the fact I don’t want to be here anymore. This is not a thought that just popped in my mind, this is something even as a young child I knew I didn’t want to be in the world, in my life or around all these people who don’t understand me.

This can be argued for hours… many will say one must do things to help prolong their life etc…

I’m here, doing what I can, trying my best. That’s all I have. Don’t make me feel guilty for making my own choices and using my own thought process to live my life the way I want. I give respect and I just want that same respect back.

I’ve become adapted to my anxiety, depression and my pain because it’s been there always, it grew up with me.

I’m naturally strong and I have a tough time being weak. I don’t need a “crutch.” I believe if something is going to happen it will happen no matter what you do. Of course we will always try to figure out how not to allow whatever to happen but so much is out of our control.

All I know is to fight, but everyday I want to give up. I don’t understand what I’m fighting for. I have never lived my life for me. I don’t even care about much anymore.

Nowadays I feel I’m not accomplishing anything. Everyday I’m attempting to hold on to what’s left of a dream and I’m constantly trying to get sleep. Before I know it the day goes by and I’m back into the night trying to fall asleep again.

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Anxiety meets Depression 

Images above from instagram go follow @support.anxiety 



I go every day feeling like I want to give up, I keep fighting and I’m tired. I keep loving and I’m tired. I keep trying and I fail. I hate my existence. I feel like a burden and unwanted/unneeded. From the moment I came into this world I was ready to leave. As a child I questioned why I was here. My entirely life I’ve tried to fit in and be “normal” I couldn’t handle my life. I should’ve known I would replay what I knew and saw. Difference is I don’t have a child or kids to live for. I have nothing that drives me to want more from this world. I can’t even have the kind of love I want and money won’t buy it, so what’s the point. 

Secretly I’m waiting for everyone to have someone in their lives to replace me, then my job here will be done. Knowing everyone I love is happy, I then could drift away. You may think you will miss me but what would there be to miss? I feel like a burden and like I’m losing my mind.