Pounding Heart 

In the above picture, is what happens when you have anxiety and high blood pressure. I’m not sure what brought this on, it was after I ate. I’m really not sure. I also suffer from fibromyalgia so it could be a mixture of things. 

       My left arm started to ache and I felt a weakness kind of feeling. It’s still aching. Even though that might have started early this morning. I didn’t get much sleep and the sleep I got wasn’t very restful. I feel exhausted. I’m sure my weight has something to do with how im feeling as well. I have so many issues I can’t keep track. 

      I literally feel like I’m going to die and it’s this crazy cycle of feeling bad, heart races which makes me panic and causes me to think about this is the day I have a heart attack and die. Those thoughts cause me not to be able to calm down my heart rate and I feel like I’m going to die. 

       My heart pumping overtime, working so hard I can’t believe I haven’t had a heart attack. It’s a blessing. 

      Now I feel the depression creeping up on me. I’m feeling sad that I think about dying all the time but I don’t seem to want to die today. I’m becoming sleepy again. Bye


Replace the Negative 

Staying positive is a very difficult thing to do when you have a dark cloud following you. You have negative people in your life feeding your already negative thoughts. Every moment you have that you are able to have a bit of happiness, that negative person(s) takes that moment away. 
I have never wanted anything more than to be happy. Truly happy every day all day. Have reasons or a reason to be happy. When I wake up and see I have another day, I want to be glad that I do. 
Living with anxiety and depression, when you wake up, being happy is the farthest thing from your mind. You are trying to get up enough strength to get out of bed and face the world that you feel is judging you, looking down on you, the world that you feel is going to kill you. At times you wish it would kill you so you won’t have to go through this hassle every single day. 
You have to learn to make your own happiness and know what things make you happy. The day I felt the feeling of peace, that day was amazing. Of course it happened when I was alone. I wanted to be able to keep that feeling but I didn’t know how. I never know when those days will happen but when they do I try to enjoy them to the fullest. It tough though when it seems everyone else is being down and moody. Seems like when I am happy no one else is. 
I am more happy with myself than being in a room full of people or being with one person. I never thought I would feel that way. Ok maybe not happy but I am content with myself. I am not true if I can truly be happy. I have happy moments and I know I don’t live with happiness in my heart. 
I know the good person I am and what makes me me. When I think of those things about myself, that is what I use 

To motivate myself, it’s not easy though. The negative thoughts are always there. 


I wanted to try and not talk about something but it’s a very important part of my story. It’s only fair that I explain how everything is connected. 
My mother has major depression so when she got pregnant with me at the time (and she has told me) that there were negative people around her she let the things they said get to her and she was very depressed while pregnant with me. 

Also my father would not admit that he has depression as well but he sure is depressed. (He drinks alcohol to cope) So with all the characteristics of my mom and dad mixed together, created the person writing this blog. 
Anyways among other things that happened in my life. Anxiety issues was always present. Of course I didn’t know something was wrong with me, always thought I was different. Thinking back, I don’t remember all my childhood moments but I remember having my first panic attack at least the only one I knew about at the time. Well maybe it was also panic when I was dropped off at my grandmas and if my mom didn’t pick me up when she said she would, I was not happy. I would call her like crazy until she came to get me. (Separation anxiety maybe?) 

Ok back to the other story: I went to a sleep over. It was a girl from school, it was her birthday and I was happy I got invited, felt like I had friends until we laid down to sleep. I don’t remember what I was thinking but I began to cry uncontrollably. The other girls were scared not knowing what to do. They all take me to the girls mother and she calls my mom to come get me. I was so embarrassed. I had no idea why I freaked out. I never gave that moment much thought until I was an adult. 
Like I said apparently I was birthed into this world carrying depression and anxiety. 
Saw my mother go through a lot of difficult times and I never was going to claim I had depression. I told myself a lot of excuses to why I felt the way I did. It wasn’t until I was 17 years old and I finally got my first job. Note I did not want but I had graduated early from high school, I was just waiting around for my graduation time. Anyways I worked my butt off. The one or two days off, which I felt I wasn’t getting, was not enough. I was exhausted and one day I couldn’t get out of bed. In my pitch-dark bedroom I laid there like I can’t even do life today. I didn’t want to call my job because I knew I would still have to go in and I needed rest, so much rest. 
The older I got, the harder it became to hide my feelings, hide that I wasn’t quite like everyone else. It’s too emotional for me to take you back down the path I came from but believe me, it’s a miracle I’m still here. 


▪️Pregnancy in women is a common source of depression, due in large part to vast hormonal fluctuations. Doctors believe that it is possible a fetus may inherit depression from a depressed mother. That is not to say the baby is born with depression as a result; this is not akin to something like fetal alcohol syndrome. Still, there may be depressive hormones transferred.

▪️Our genetic code (DNA) predisposes us to certain diseases and there is no reason why depression may not be part of that.

▪️Clinical studies established to separate a specific gene that causes depression have proved inconclusive, but research continues.
Read more: http://depressiond.org/is-depression-hereditary/


Anxiety meets Depression 

Images above from instagram go follow @support.anxiety 

I go every day feeling like I want to give up, I keep fighting and I’m tired. I keep loving and I’m tired. I keep trying and I fail. I hate my existence. I feel like a burden and unwanted/unneeded. From the moment I came into this world I was ready to leave. As a child I questioned why I was here. My entirely life I’ve tried to fit in and be “normal” I couldn’t handle my life. I should’ve known I would replay what I knew and saw. Difference is I don’t have a child or kids to live for. I have nothing that drives me to want more from this world. I can’t even have the kind of love I want and money won’t buy it, so what’s the point. 

Secretly I’m waiting for everyone to have someone in their lives to replace me, then my job here will be done. Knowing everyone I love is happy, I then could drift away. You may think you will miss me but what would there be to miss? I feel like a burden and like I’m losing my mind.