I have said it and they seem not to want to believe me or refuse to hear me. I said it though, loud and clear.
“I want to die because I’m not living.”
I only live for others around me. I only live for the ones who claim they love me. I live because I refuse to give them motherfuckers another reason to talk bad about me. I can just imagine the things they would say.
You can’t keep telling someone who wants to die to get a job. I clearly proved I’m not cut out for that. I tried little over ten times and I somewhat succeeded but then I failed over and over again.
I said, I know I said it, loud and clear.
“I want to die. I don’t want to be here.”
Maybe they don’t believe me because I follow up with, “I don’t have it in my heart to do it, I just have thoughts about it sometimes.”
How about supporting me in something I enjoy doing and that I’m good at, help me make a living with that. Nope, that would be to easy. You would actually have to care about me to want to do that.
Do I just give in and be like everyone else, even though I tried already but give it another go and maybe at age 32 I will finally stay at a job for a year and have people still talk shit about me because they expected so much more from me than working as a cashier at some stupid store. That I’m too smart and I should be doing so much better.
Oh another thing that people keep talking about is me having a baby. [Now why would God allow that when he knows I haven’t even figured out how to support myself yet.] They say things like… “When are you having some babies?” I think to myself like “Oh you know what I think I will make one tonight.” Is there some magic pill I don’t know about that I can magically get pregnant. People rarely ask if I even want kids. I have been married for eight years, these people don’t think we haven’t been trying. They don’t know if I have complications or whatever.
I know most people are tired of their jobs or tired of doing the same old stuff etc… That is so much different than I’m tired of breathing, of feeling, of thinking.
The difference between me and others are I’m the one who makes the ones I love feel better. Try to make them smile and even cater to them. Some may think that’s at least I can do for them providing for me, putting a roof over my head etc… I look at it as I’m good at this and they’re good at what they do. I try again to be who they are, then who will comfort me at the end of the day? Who will comfort them? Like cooking, cleaning etc… oh yeah it would still have to be me.
Then this everyone wanting to be independent thing. Not having to depend on anyone. That makes me feel like, then why do I need you around me if I’m doing it all by myself. I have to love myself, I have to support myself, I have to encourage myself, I have to motivate myself… The fuck is anyone good for these days? Everyone claiming to be different but all trying to do the same things. Makes me want to die even more.
I will never change and be like anyone else. Yet I will probably never kill myself even though I don’t want to wake up, but I’m more woke than most. I want my time to hurry up and come. I used to think that I may miss something if I was gone but I’m starting to think there won’t be and no one will truly miss me. They will only miss what I do for them, not actually miss me as a person. The things I do, they can pay someone to do.